


Teddy Bear Smash

by imkerfuffled



Series: 62 Things The Avengers Are Not Allowed To Do [3]
Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Each story in the series is a standalone, Gen, Pre-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Skippy's List, rated for language in ch 2
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-24
Updated: 2015-03-26
Packaged: 2018-03-19 11:36:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3608631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imkerfuffled/pseuds/imkerfuffled
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>4. Tony is not allowed to broadcast sing-along songs into the Hulk cage, no matter how amusing he finds teaching Hulk “Teddy Bear, Teddy Bear, turn around.”</p><p>5. Clint is not allowed to put the security feed of the Hulk’s Teddy Bear dance on Youtube.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 4. Tony is not allowed to broadcast sing-along songs into the Hulk cage, no matter how amusing he finds teaching Hulk “Teddy Bear, Teddy Bear, turn around.”

**Author's Note:**

> Dammit guys, I should be working on my school's lit mag submission

**4\. Tony is not allowed to broadcast sing-along songs into the Hulk cage, no matter how amusing he finds teaching Hulk “Teddy Bear, Teddy Bear, turn around.”**

Steve could hear Tony snickering in the living room. 

At that very moment, Clint was in Bosnia, Pepper and Natasha were having a girls night out, Thor was visiting Jane, and Bruce was stuck in the Hulk cage after an unfortunate incident in the lab, which meant Tony was alone in the living room, snickering about something. 

Any snickering in the living room was cause for alarm, but Tony—alone and unsupervised, after dark, giggling like a little schoolboy—was positively terrifying. The potential for bad decisions skyrocketed exponentially with each passing, intervention-less minute. 

Steve stuck his head around the corner with growing alarm as the snickering continued. 

“Tony…” The billionaire sat sprawled across the couch with a bowl of popcorn balanced on his chest, one hand hovering distractedly above it. His eyes, awash with the glow from both his arc reactor and the TV that held his attention, held a manic gleam that deeply concerned Steve. 

Even more concerning was the image on the screen. 

Tony spun his head around at the sound of Steve’s voice, and for a split second he looked like a little kid who got caught with his hand in the cookie jar, but the expression was quickly replaced by his usual flippancy. “Hey Spangles,” he grinned, “What’s up?” 

“What is that?” Steve jabbed his finger at the screen. 

“What, this?” The display disappeared with a wave of Tony’s hand. “Nothing.” 

Steve gave him a stern look. “It didn’t look like nothing.” 

“Looks can be deceiving.” 

Silence. 

“Hey, it’s just harmless fun, okay? Something to pass the time,” Tony said. 

“Yeah, I’ve heard about your idea of ‘harmless fun,’” Steve said, “Turn it back on.” 

After a second’s hesitation, Tony complied with another hand wave, and the TV blinked back on. 

The screen showed a standard, soundless security feed of a room, except… 

“That’s Hulk,” Steve said, narrowing his eyes at Tony. 

“No it’s the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.” 

“What—forget it. What is Hulk _doing?”_

“I believe that’s the hokey pokey.” 

Steve’s voice hardened further. “Why is he doing the hokey pokey, Stark?” 

So he was ‘Stark’ again. That spelled bad news for Tony. Steve only called him ‘Stark’ now when Tony did something especially stupid. 

“Maybe he wants to do the hokey pokey,” Tony quipped. 

The expression on Steve’s face was now bordering on his best (worst? Most terrifying?) “Captain-America-finds-your-actions-deplorable-and-is-severely-disappointed-in-you” look. “Stark, what are you doing?” 

“Watching television?” Tony didn’t really expect that to help. In fact he expected it to make Steve even angrier, and it did. He really had no clue why he said it. 

Steve glanced back at the screen, where the Hulk was now plodding around in a circle. He turned back to Tony with the full force of his specialty glare. 

“Ok, fine,” Tony sighed, determined not to let show how terrifying that glare was, “I’m broadcasting kids songs into the room ‘cause I’m bored. JARVIS, turn on the audio.” 

“Please do not associate me with your childish shenanigans, sir,” replied the AI, “I would also like to remind Captain Rogers that I am obligated by my programming to obey Mr. Stark’s orders, and my compliance should in no way be interpreted as my approval.” That was JARVIS’ way of saying, “this is dumb, and you’re going to regret it tomorrow when Bruce finds out.” 

Steve nodded once, and a choir of children’s voices immediately filled the room, singing, _“Teddy bear, teddy bear touch the ground.”_ The Hulk bent over and touched his toes. 

“JARVIS is right, Tony. This is childish,” Steve said. He wasn’t about to admit that the little kids were also terrifying. “You’re doing this just to humiliate Bruce.” 

“No, I told you. I was bored.” 

“So you’re _not_ going to show this to Bruce in the morning so you can get his reaction?” Steve quirked an eyebrow. 

On the television, Hulk was obeying the instructions, _“Teddy bear, teddy bear, reach up high,”_ and Steve got the sudden mental image of the Hulk in a workout video, complete with a purple headband, and he had to suppress a tiny grin. 

“HA! You smiled,” Tony shouted. 

“I did not.” 

“You did. You know it’s funny.” 

“No it’s not.” 

“Yes it is.” 

“No it’s—” Steve stopped himself, “I’m not going to do this with you.” 

Tony smirked triumphantly at Steve. Steve glared back at Tony. They were both so focused on staring each other down that neither noticed the Hulk 

Hulk had taken umbrage at the latest lyrics, _“Teddy bear, teddy bear, touch the sky.”_ First he stared up at the ceiling in obvious confusion and scratched his head, trying to figure out how he was supposed to touch the sky when he was stuck inside. Gradually, the confusion turned to irritation, and then anger, and he let out a giant roar. “THERE. IS. NO. SKYYYYYY.” 

Tony and Steve spun to face the television, where the Hulk still growled at the ceiling. 

Steve glared at Tony again. Tony grinned weekly. The Hulk threw himself at the ceiling. Tony stopped grinning. 

“Uh, JARVIS,” he said, panic edging into his voice, “Cut the music. See if that’ll, er, calm him down.” 

“I thought that room was Hulk-proof,” Steve said, as the creepy singing stopped, which did nothing to stop Hulk smashing. 

“Er,” Tony tugged at his collar, “It _should_ be.” A particularly ominous crash came from the TV. “It just hasn’t been tested thoroughly.” The floor trembled when he said it, as if to punctuate the point. 

Before Steve could say a word, Tony fled the room to check on the Hulk. Steve stared at the television screen, and Hulk pounded his chest at the ceiling. 

“Goddamn Starks,” Steve muttered, shaking his head, “No sense in any of ‘em.” 

He left.


	2. 5. Clint is not allowed to put the security feed of the Hulk’s Teddy Bear dance on Youtube.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1) Any names you don't recognize don't belong to Marvel, but they don't really belong to me either. They belong to my random name generator app, which is awesome btw.  
> 2) Trying to get the youtube formatting right on here is futzing hard. I had to learn all sorts of crazy html commands, and then they didn't even work.

**5\. Clint is not allowed to put the security feed of the Hulk’s Teddy Bear dance on Youtube.**

 

 

 

The following are comments taken from the video <[Hulk is secretly a giant teddy bear pass it on by fall out boy](http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ)> posted by  **Not Hawkguy** at 3:54 on March 26, 2015.

 

 **Riley Harris** 11 minutes ago

lol look at him! He’s like a little kid :)

**View all 10 replies**

**Wei Teng** 5 minutes ago

     Ikr! Well besides the whole smashy thing at the end but…

 **Jasmin Rubio** 3 minutes ago

     Idk I’ve seen some little kids who would do that lol

 

 **Kate Bishop** 3 minutes ago

Damn bro he’s gonna futzing murder you lol

 **Not Hawkguy** 1 minute ago

     wow thanks for the support katie kate good to know you've got my back

 

 **Felix Williams** 7 minutes ago

Teddy bear teddy bear SMASH EVERYTHING!!!

 

 **Darcy Lewis** 9 minutes ago

Haha! This is hilarious!

**View all 12 replies**

**Leah** 1 minute ago

 **+Mini Mischief** GO FUCK YOURSELF IN THE EYE YOU WORTHLESS SCUM

 **Darcy Lewis** 1 minute ago

     Wtf guys

 

 **Bruce Banner** 7 minutes ago

 **+Not Hawguy** Why does this exist

**View all 9 replies**

**Not Hawkguy** 7 minutes ago

     oh hi Bruce

 **Bruce Banner** 6 minutes ago

     I will murder you.

 **Not Hawkguy** 5 minutes ago

     it’s all tonys fault

 **Bruce Banner** 5 minutes ago

 **+TheReal Iron Man**  I will murder you.

 **TheReal Iron Man** 4 minutes ago

     Katniss how tHE FUCK DID YOU GET THIS VIDEO YOU WEREN'T EVEN HERE

 

 **Pepper Potts** 3 minutes ago

 **+Not Hawkguy** Widow says you’re wanted at S.H.I.E.L.D immediately, and you should remind yourself of security protocols next time you want to post things all over the internet. And  **+TheReal Iron Man** Really? This is childish. Stop hiding from me.

 **Not Hawkeye** 3 minutes ago

     aw FUTZ

 **TheReal Iron Man** 3 minutes ago

     I’m hiding from Bruce. And it’s not childish, it’s self-preservation.

 **Pepper Potts** 2 minutes ago

     It’s very childish. Come out here before I have to find you.

 **TheReal Iron Man** 2 minutes ago

     You’ve been talking to Cap haven’t you?

 **Pepper Potts** 1 minute ago

     No, he’s sitting on the couch giggling like a maniac.

 **TheReal Iron Man** 50 seconds ago

     I KNEW IT!

 **Bruce Banner** 2 seconds ago

     I hate you all.


End file.
